Your feelings are all very natural and to be expected. The end goal in deciding to stay in the relationship and work to move past this injury is to gain forgiveness which creates a renewal of trust. There is a process for this, and it is made up of 6 steps which a good couples therapist can walk you through:
1. You need to speak your pain honestly to your partner. Let him know how this affects you, ie you can no longer feel safe to be comforted by him, he felt dangerous to you rather than safe and comforting, and so on.
2. He needs to acknowledge your pain, and his part in causing it.
3. You tell him what it was like for you when you changed your mind and feelings about who he was, that he was a person who cared about you, whom you could trust and rely on.
4. He must show you how your pain and hurt effects him, and assure you he is there with you to heal this.
5. You must identify for him what you need from him to close this wound, tell him just what you need from him.
6. The 2 of you together frame this injury and wound, and both understand how you dealt with it together, and what you will continue to do to deal with it as it comes up over time. It is a part of your history now as a couple, but not something that moved you away from each other, it can be viewed as something you both overcame together, at one another''s side.
This is an intense emotional process, but one that is very realistic, and that can reap many benefits on your relationship. I wish you all the best in healing this hurt.
Ashley Schenkel
www.ashleyschenkel.com
*The above statements are in no way constituting a therapeutic relationship. |