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| what do i do |
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By:
mike2125
Male,
Age: 36,
louisville,
Kentucky
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11/3/2009 1:30:18 PM |
my wife reconnected with a high school friend through facebook and he decided to help my wife and two others plan their high school reunion. After a couple of weeks things got uncomfortable for me. I read a chat that she left open on FB that said "since you won't be home tonight I wont have to spend all night looking for you" she responded "i know i am the only reason you get on FB". The sext morning I checked phone records and they had sent over 400 texts in the previous three weeks. I told her the friendship was becoming inappropriate and I feared where it was heading. The closer the reunion got the calls reduced and so did the FB messaging but they increased emails on her work email which I had no access to. The week before the reunion she met with the four people for dinner and came home very late. Her story kept changing from it was just Sherry and I there really late, to Larry (the other man) was there with us and he walked me and Sherry to the car. The reunion came and Larry wouldn't speak to me...she said she didn't know why. The next night I overheard her say to her mom on the phone "Larry pretty much can't stand Mike, he thinks I am too good for him and that he just tries to control me" I asked her why he would have these feelings about me and she finally admited that they had talked about our marriage. The Tuesday after the reunion she admited that when they went out eat she kissed him. We entered marriage counseling but she wouldn't remove him from her FB page. I told her she couldn't have any contact with him if we were going to make it. She called him and said "Mike thinks we shouldn't be friends so I guess we can't be". She told me she would cut him off. I found out they kept emailing and then she told me sent him an email that said "I want to focus on my marriage and I can't do that if I am talking to you. The counseling got better and then yesterday I found some old emails between the two of them where she said things like "I want to wrap my arms around you, squeeze you and put my lips to yours" and "I will be dreaming about you tonight" plus a whole lot of other things that make me sick. The problem is these emails were from Oct. 8 and prior which of course is well before she said she would not contact him. She also admitted last night that the week of the reunion she went for a walk and he met her on the walk and they kissed.
I feel like I am going crazy...she tells me that she wants only me and that she made the biggest mistake of her life. She is saying all the things that she should say. I am obsessed with information about the affair. I know that we can't move forward if I am living in the past but I can't help it. I feel alone, depressed, sad, sickened, worthless and tired. i don't know how to get over this. Do I have a right to know if they kissed any other times? Should I keep pressing the issue. She tells me she doesn't want to talk about it anymore because it makes her feel miserable (I understand, I am sure I would feel the same way). She said she is tired of reliving it.
What do I do? |
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Reply Posted By:
Anonymous
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Female
Date Posted:
11/3/2009 1:48:31 PM
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Anonymous
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Mike,
I''m sorry to hear about the problems you are having. First, let me acknowledge your question, "Am I crazy?" No, you''re not. Trust has been broken and it is understandable that you are now looking for any semblance of normalcy within the relationship. What you knew the relationship to be prior to the reunion, has been altered drastically, so the feelings you''re having are not uncommon.
You''re already going to counseling and that is a good measure to work through all of this. Being able to work with a therapist who is knowledgeable in dealing with affairs will be helpful to you both.
As for you, it''s time to really look within yourself and ask yourself what you''re willing to do to save your marriage. You won''t be able to control your wife''s actions, but as she goes through the process of cutting this other man out of her life, it would be easy for you to continue searching through her texts, her emails, etc. I would recommend you stop hurting yourself by engaging in such behaviors and look towards what will be beneficial towards saving the marriage. Continue focusing on yourself, your behaviors, etc and allow your wife to do the same. If she really wants to save the marriage, then she will demonstrate behaviors to regain your trust. If she doesn''t, then this will provide you with the information you need to determine the outcome of your marriage....
But here''s a question to ask yourself if your wife chooses not to work on your marriage: Why would you want to be with someone who doesn''t want to invest time in your relationship and you?"
Hope this helps! Good luck to you. |
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Reply Posted By:
Pam Lipe, MS, LP
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Female, North St. Paul, Minnesota
Date Posted:
11/6/2009 11:04:38 AM
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Pam Lipe, MS, LP
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Hi Mike, Your situation is sure a tough one. As a marriage counselor, I see many couples with this exact problem: reconnecting with an old friend on FB, high school reunion, stolen kisses. This can all be very painful and disturbing.
First of all, the other responder, anonymous, suggested you ask yourself why you want to be married to your wife. It''s way to early to fret about that question and I''d suggest you put that aside. I think you''ve done the right thing by seeking professional help with this difficult problem. And it''s quite natural to feel like you''ve gone a "little crazy."
With the couples I see, the offended partner always has specific questions about the details of what happened and the offender doesn''t usually want to answer those questions. Some balance is in order. You should be able to talk to her and get some of your questions answered but there has to be a limit to the questions, as well. And actually, getting more of the details is not the way to get more understanding and resolution.
It is quite natural that you are want to check up on her. If she is telling you the truth, she should be able to tolerate detective work: reading emails, checking phone logs. There will be a time when this subsides also as your trust for her builds.
A good book for the 2 of you to consult is After the Affair by Janis Abrams Spring. It can help you both understand the perspective of the other person.
I hope your counselor is helpful. And that you are not just deciding to abandon ship. If you need assistance from another therapist, I recommend www.MarriageFriendlyTherapists.com This is a listing of experienced marriage therapists who will help you save your marriage. Some people give up too quickly. I encourage you to stick it out. I''m sure you are both "tired of reliving it" but you can''t just put the infidelity (even if it was just a kiss) aside.
Good luck to you,
Pam Lipe, MS, Licensed Psychologist
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