Reply Posted By: Rafael Morales Toia, MS, MA, MFT - Male, Age: 38, Bettendorf, Iowa

Date Posted: 11/10/2009 11:03:41 AM

No affair, whether it involves sex or not is an easy situation to cope with, and many times people could easily try to avoid facing the core issues such event is making evident to both spouses-partners.

Many times people stay married for a few years and they develop a strong and honest relationship while other times many years could only mean a reinforced codependent attachment with all the unhealthy dysfunction, evident or subtle that people could afford. Thus time is not an absolute here. The red flag is there and the most concerning piece is that lack of honesty since he kept his behavior and the secrecy, then he admitted he is not sure about his feelings towards you anymore.

You would need to reflect on which have been the core issues affecting your marriage all these years and what could have finally led and triggered this affair –if it is the only and first one-, for you to be able to cope with it in a realistic way. Pushing him would not work for sure, neither to codependently allow him to perpetuate such behaviors. Extra support is needed for each of you to work on your personal issues first, then couples counseling to facilitate the dialogue and to work on realizing what could be the best action plan to focus on as long as both feel ready for it.

Nobody knows what will happen, but one thing is sure, you would be able to grow from it and to do much better your role as a partner-wife if you take the piece of responsibility you have around it and do your best trying to promote his openness and consistency to do the same, getting professional support.

Reply Posted By: Stephanie Godiwala, LMFT, CASAC-T - Female, New York, New York

Date Posted: 11/10/2009 11:14:55 AM

I think it''s important for you first to seperate the affair from yourself, meaning it''s not your fault in any way and it has nothing to do with you (aside from possibly causing a lot of grief and pain in your life).  If he is willing, I strongly urge you both to see a couple''s therapist in order to understand the affair and the purpose that it is serving as well as moving on from the affair (if you decide) and how to do this without developing deep seeded resentments.  How long will it last? Unfortunately, there is no ''time frame'' on these types of behaviors.  It sounds like you are handling it exceptionally well by refraining from any begging or pleading.  At the same time, you really should explore boundary setting in your relationship.  If it is unacceptable in your relationship for affairs to occur, verbalize this. (I say this b/c not all relationships are closed, meaning they accept their partner to have relationships outside of their marriage).  Continuing your life and not ruminationg on the affair is also important.  Implement lots of support for yourself (ie: journaling, support groups, friends who are trustworthy and good listeners, hobbies, interests) and keep it moving.  Although I understand this is so very difficult and he is the love of your life, keep in mind that no matter what happens you are going to be okay!

Reply Posted By: Lisa Leonard, LMFT, LPC - Female, Austin, Texas

Date Posted: 11/10/2009 12:17:59 PM

I agree with the previous advice, and I would also add that even though he has asked and you''ve granted some time to "sort things out," seeing a marriage counselor together could be extremely helpful even before he is ready to recommit to the marriage.  There are many good books on this topic that might be an additional source of support for you.  In my practice I have seen many couples recover from infidelity and create a stronger, more satisfying relationship.  Good luck to you.