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Topic
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Date
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| I think I've hear enough |
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By:
Anonymous
Female,
Age: 33
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1/25/2010 10:17:36 AM |
about my husband's affair. I sometimes want to ask a question and then decide to keep it to myself because I am afraid of the answers. I know it was a long affair. However, I don't know exactly how it started or when. Which questions should I ask? |
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Reply Posted By:
Sally Connolly, LCSW, LMFT
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Female, Louisville, Kentucky
Date Posted:
1/25/2010 10:54:43 AM
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Sally Connolly, LCSW, LMFT
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You should be in charge of how much you want to know.
There is no right or wrong answer to this question. Some people want answers to all of the basic questions ... "Who, what, when and where" while others desire less information.
It is not healthy to ask lots of detail questions and it is also not healthy to not know anything at all. Often, the secrecy is the worst part of the affair because that is what dissolves the trust. Opening up the secrets is a first step to recovery. How open it is depends on the person who has been betrayed. |
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Reply Posted By:
Jodi Blackley, MFT
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Female, Brea, California
Date Posted:
1/25/2010 11:10:32 AM
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Jodi Blackley, MFT
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Affairs can be very damaging to a relationship, because it hurts the trust and the foundation of a relationship.
There are no "right" or "wrong" questions to ask; however, I caution you about which questions to ask and think about whether or not the answers are "really" worth knowing. Sometimes, more information doesn''t help, as it only can cause you to obsess on the situation even more. I would caution you from asking too many questions about the details of the affair, such as what she looked like, what they would do together, etc. As you go through the process of healing, such information can trigger you to compare your time with your husband with his time to this other woman.
Instead, questions about what happened in your own marriage that allowed him to choose an affair over the marriage may be more important.
I suggest you find a counselor who has training and experience working with helping couples through affairs. They can help you heal from this betrayal, if both of you are wanting to do so.
Good luck!
Jodi Blackley, MFT
www.jodiblackley.com |
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Reply Posted By:
Sara Cote, LMFT
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Female, Newhall, California
Date Posted:
1/25/2010 3:16:57 PM
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Sara Cote, LMFT
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Trust issues, along with respect. are the two most important things in relationships. There is a fine line in what it takes to gain trust and respect of your partner. The first thing that you want to ask yourself is if you believe you will ever be able to trust and respect your partner no matter what answers you hear. If your answer is yes then pick your battles (questions) carefully and only ask the questions that you think will help you in continuing this relationship. |
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Reply Posted By:
Eris Huemer, MA
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Female, Los Angeles, California
Date Posted:
1/25/2010 6:28:09 PM
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Eris Huemer, MA
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This is depending on where you and your husband are in the healing process. Is he wanting you to forgive him and move forward in your marriage? If this is the case then the most important thing is for your husband affair to be completely finished. Once this has happened, you should ask him any questions that you need answered to help you move forward. Ask your husband to create a safe environment for you to do so. Saving your marriage after an affair can be one of the most difficult experiences for you to go through. However, I believe that it can be done. I suggest that the both of you get a counselor to help you through this process. You can go from a break-up (metephorical) to a break through and beyond.
To your Break Through Success.
Eris Huemer
LoveEris.com |
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Reply Posted By:
Maggie Baryk, MBA, CC
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Female, Sayville, New York
Date Posted:
5/15/2010 8:19:47 AM
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Maggie Baryk, MBA, CC
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| When someone you love and once trusted deeply violates this trust through an affair, it is very difficult to get closure. The fact that you are asking yourself these questions, and then out of fear not pursuing the answers, may suggest that you do, in fact, need to know the truth. Before you approach him ask yourself how important the answers are and whether or not the answer will make a material difference in re-building the trust in your relationship. If you feel that it is important to ask, then approach your husband and ask him to sit with you to talk. Set some rules of engagement - explain to him that while his affair may be over, your feelings of vulnerability and doubt are still present - and preventing you from moving forward in a loving way. Tell him that it''s important to you, and important to the relationship, to be able to talk openly about your feelings and to seek truthful answers to the questions. Make sure he understands why you need to ask these questions and that it''s important for him to respond honestly. But also make sure that you promise yourself that these questions will be ''one and done'', meaning that once you''ve asked and he''s answered, that you will put them to rest. Quite frankly, you need to be in charge of how much information is too much or too little, and your husband''s response will determine what your next steps need to be. Do yourself a favor and do not let fear prevent you from seeking the kind of closure that will help you move forward. |
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